"If we could learn to like ourselves, even a little, maybe our cruelties and angers might melt away." John Steinbeck

Maybe that's what my problem is, I don't like myself. Well I know for a fact that I don't really like myself, I am carrying all this extra weight from the pregnancy that I just cant seem to get off. Cant get away to work out much. I hate what I have become, a fat, oppressed wife and mother. I am stuck at home and miserable. Just last night I asked to take the truck after the eldest was dropped off at practice, I just wanted to go to the grocery store, first word out of his mouth were "are you taking the baby" shit I need some time to myself, I will only be gone 30 minutes. My gosh he was really mad. I need to set up a time everyday when I can just be alone. Why doesn't he get it...I need time to myself...totally alone...not even the baby...and sure as hell not him, around.

My husband needs to step up and take a more active role in the baby, that was the deal. I told him, when we were talking about having another child, that I needed his help, I cant do it alone again. He agreed and we became pregnant right away. He was helpful in the first couple weeks while I was healing. But now, he really needs to do more, I am going insane, cant he see that I am struggling with everything. The only time he listens is when it all just becomes to much and I breakdown.

My first born is not biologically his, he was from a previous relationship, and was totally unplanned. That relationship was doomed from the start, he was was abusive and had serious anger issues. He was a totally useless man, a total deadbeat. I would have to say that he is the reason why I have trust issues now. I did finally kick this ass hole out when my eldest was about 7 months old and was able to go back to work. This man taught me how to hate...some of the things he did to me...gosh...I have overcame most of the pain but still have issues from it. I was forced to become a strong woman and with my Mothers help I regained my life and adjusted to being a mother myself. As a matter of fact, if my mother hadn't helped me, I don't know if I would be here now. I love her greatly, even though see took on much of the child rearing for a year or so, I do believe that's what I really needed. I was only 21 when my eldest was born.

My hubby is really a loving person, and I do believe that he doesn't really realise how he is making me feel. He just needs to understand that I am an individual and need a break from everything. I am starting to feel that the only way I can get some peace is to go back to work, I need to feel like I am contributing to the household, I am tired of being a housewife and need to be ME again. It was never my life dream to be a housewife, I like to work. I feel like that the only way he listens to me is when I start a fight and by then I am so angry that I lose it.

My husband has been my friend since before my eldest was born, we worked together, hung out together, we were total opposites. He was a long haired headbanger LOL and I was a young preppy woman, but we got along so well and had so many wonderful talks. It does go to show you that a man and woman can have a completely platonic relationship. At that time in my life we were the best of friends, he was the first one I told I was pregnant, he listened to my concerns and supported what ever decision I made, such a wonderful friend. One day he told me that he met a woman and said he was going to get married, I supported his love at first sight, and wished him luck. Needless to say the marriage lasted 6 months and he was back in Maryland. When he got back and my eldest was about 6 months old, we started actually dating. I was falling in love with my best friend.

This story gets long and if I write it all now I wont have anything for another day, so I will continue it sometime in the future...

We are not only less reasonable and less decent in our dreams... we are also more inteligent, wiser and capable of better judgment when we are asleep

Just found that quote and it seems all so true. My dreams at night are so vivid lately, though some don't make much sense, but very vivid. In my dreams I am always happy and adventurous, and just love life. Last night's dream didn't make much sense, I was back at high school and a wealthy couple adopted me or let me live with them or something. So anyway I moved to this big house and started a private school, in which I didn't really like. Its funny how such a short dream would take such a chunk of sleep LOL.

Mentally...yesterday was a good day, I didn't get overly anxious or upset, and actually got some things done in the house. The vacuuming needed to get done and my eldest helped me blanch, skin, and freeze some of the tomatoes. I love having a garden but putting away food after harvest is so much work, though it gives me this weird feeling of accomplishment. The garden is one more thing that makes me anxious sometimes. I feel as if nobody else helps with the garden, and it is very hard to work out there for any length of time with a baby. So the weeding doesn't get done, and we didn't plant as much this year as last. Though nothing tastes better than homegrown broccoli :-)

I do believe that I am going to go back to work if I can find a job. My husband would like me to stay home with the baby, but we need the money so badly and quite frankly I miss working. I feel so out of touch with the racing industry, like I missed out on so much. With all the cutbacks I am not sure if I could find work there anymore, I might have to get a different kind of job, which is scary. I have always felt comfortable around the horses and love working with them. If you stick me in a different situation, like in an office, I feel so out of place. But I need to suck it up and see if I can find something. The stable that I grew up riding at is hiring, just don't know if I could go back to working around snobby stuck up kids in a snooty riding stable. I want to start my own glass etching business but I don't have the capital to start it up and seem to have a hard time finding a grant for help. A loan is out of the question, I would fear I couldn't pay it back. I think I could be quite good at glass etching and it is interesting to me. Time will tell....

~ A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book ~

It amazes me how the amount of sleep one get is directly related to their mentally for the day, or is it just me. I am very sleep deprived and cranky because of it. I suffer from a short fuse and virtually no patience. But on the occasion when I am well rested, life is much brighter and more fulfilling. For example, last night was rough, the baby woke several times and finally at 4 am he woke wet and unhappy, so when I get done changing his clothes and diaper, of course he is fully awake and ready to start his day ergggg. So here I am at 4:45 am writing on my blog, which I am starting to really enjoy. Anyway I am just hoping that the baby falls back asleep in the swing for a while so I might enjoy some part of this early morning. I have always loved mornings, they are the most beautiful and enjoyable part of the day. Being an early riser has never been a challenge, its the staying up late that I have a problem with LOL.

Improvment

I do believe that most of the anger has dissipated. Yesterday was a very rough day but with a brief break, and believe it or not, writing in this blog, I feel much more in control. That was anger and frustration that I haven't felt in a very long time, such a feeling of needing out and to escape, to run and never look back. Those feelings scare me, I do hope that it isn't a warning sign, I have been through this type of thing before. My feelings and mood where so out of control long ago that I did escape and luckily found myself again, but it took a long time, and I lost precious time with my first born. I missed out on bonding time that I can never get back, even though he doesn't remember my trip or our time apart, I still have a feeling of guilt about it. I keep telling myself that it was what I needed to do, at the time, to fix myself. But the guilt is still there. Granted if I wouldn't of taken that trip, I might not be hear now, trying to fight it off once again. Maybe if I go back to work, or find something I can do alone, this feeling of sadness will go away. I need to find something to make me feel overwhelmingly happy, something for me to do, alone, so I can think and dream.

I used to have great dreams when I was younger, I used to dream about my future, and what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always struggled with that question, I know what I wanted, I just didn't know how to make it sound so others would understand. I wanted to train horses professionally, at the time just jumpers and hunters. Then after high school, I was opened up to a whole new world, Racing. Oh this really took my interest, and I dove in. I was a quick study, my mind absorbing everything that I could learn. I would listen to every ones ideas and methods and then make my own. Eventually I got my shot to train my own horse, who was also my first home bred. She was and still is very special to me, though not a champion thoroughbred, she still made money and taught me so much about training. I have met so many different kind of people in the racing game, many honest and caring people, and many sneaky and mean people. Working in that field really teaches you a lot about people as well as horses. I do still dream about a lot of things, and I still dream about what I want to do, not so much when I grow up, but what I can do to just live a happy life and be secure.

Frustrated

Im usually a happy person, but the last couple weeks have been too much. Im tired, my infant doesn't sleep well. And today I am angry. My car hasn't ran in 6 months, I haven't worked outside the home since July 08 when I got laid off, at the time 4 months pregnant, and in my line of work nobody will hire a pregnant woman no matter how good she is. I feel so trapped and like I am going to explode. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and two boys but I need a break. I have never been a person that wanted to be a stay at home wife, I love to work and earn my own paycheck. Now my husbands job is going downhill as the boss runs out of money. There is no security in my life right now and it is totally draining. I feel more depressed every passing day, with nothing to look forward to. My husband tells me that happiness is a controlled state of mind, well my mind doesn't work that way. Right now I am not very happy. Stability and security is a main priority of mine and always has been. Our savings account is starting to get scary low and with no money coming in, I don't know what we are going to do. I'm scared and there is no relief on the horizon.
I love my sons, 10 years and 8 months. Their smiles are all my joy, but even so I am still sad today. Hopefully things will improve soon.
This blog is for my benefit, in hopes that writing my feelings down will relieve the sadness I feel, and honestly I feel a bit better now than when I started.