Maybe that's what my problem is, I don't like myself. Well I know for a fact that I don't really like myself, I am carrying all this extra weight from the pregnancy that I just cant seem to get off. Cant get away to work out much. I hate what I have become, a fat, oppressed wife and mother. I am stuck at home and miserable. Just last night I asked to take the truck after the eldest was dropped off at practice, I just wanted to go to the grocery store, first word out of his mouth were "are you taking the baby" shit I need some time to myself, I will only be gone 30 minutes. My gosh he was really mad. I need to set up a time everyday when I can just be alone. Why doesn't he get it...I need time to myself...totally alone...not even the baby...and sure as hell not him, around.
My husband needs to step up and take a more active role in the baby, that was the deal. I told him, when we were talking about having another child, that I needed his help, I cant do it alone again. He agreed and we became pregnant right away. He was helpful in the first couple weeks while I was healing. But now, he really needs to do more, I am going insane, cant he see that I am struggling with everything. The only time he listens is when it all just becomes to much and I breakdown.
My first born is not biologically his, he was from a previous relationship, and was totally unplanned. That relationship was doomed from the start, he was was abusive and had serious anger issues. He was a totally useless man, a total deadbeat. I would have to say that he is the reason why I have trust issues now. I did finally kick this ass hole out when my eldest was about 7 months old and was able to go back to work. This man taught me how to hate...some of the things he did to me...gosh...I have overcame most of the pain but still have issues from it. I was forced to become a strong woman and with my Mothers help I regained my life and adjusted to being a mother myself. As a matter of fact, if my mother hadn't helped me, I don't know if I would be here now. I love her greatly, even though see took on much of the child rearing for a year or so, I do believe that's what I really needed. I was only 21 when my eldest was born.
My hubby is really a loving person, and I do believe that he doesn't really realise how he is making me feel. He just needs to understand that I am an individual and need a break from everything. I am starting to feel that the only way I can get some peace is to go back to work, I need to feel like I am contributing to the household, I am tired of being a housewife and need to be ME again. It was never my life dream to be a housewife, I like to work. I feel like that the only way he listens to me is when I start a fight and by then I am so angry that I lose it.
My husband has been my friend since before my eldest was born, we worked together, hung out together, we were total opposites. He was a long haired headbanger LOL and I was a young preppy woman, but we got along so well and had so many wonderful talks. It does go to show you that a man and woman can have a completely platonic relationship. At that time in my life we were the best of friends, he was the first one I told I was pregnant, he listened to my concerns and supported what ever decision I made, such a wonderful friend. One day he told me that he met a woman and said he was going to get married, I supported his love at first sight, and wished him luck. Needless to say the marriage lasted 6 months and he was back in Maryland. When he got back and my eldest was about 6 months old, we started actually dating. I was falling in love with my best friend.
This story gets long and if I write it all now I wont have anything for another day, so I will continue it sometime in the future...
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