Improvment

I do believe that most of the anger has dissipated. Yesterday was a very rough day but with a brief break, and believe it or not, writing in this blog, I feel much more in control. That was anger and frustration that I haven't felt in a very long time, such a feeling of needing out and to escape, to run and never look back. Those feelings scare me, I do hope that it isn't a warning sign, I have been through this type of thing before. My feelings and mood where so out of control long ago that I did escape and luckily found myself again, but it took a long time, and I lost precious time with my first born. I missed out on bonding time that I can never get back, even though he doesn't remember my trip or our time apart, I still have a feeling of guilt about it. I keep telling myself that it was what I needed to do, at the time, to fix myself. But the guilt is still there. Granted if I wouldn't of taken that trip, I might not be hear now, trying to fight it off once again. Maybe if I go back to work, or find something I can do alone, this feeling of sadness will go away. I need to find something to make me feel overwhelmingly happy, something for me to do, alone, so I can think and dream.

I used to have great dreams when I was younger, I used to dream about my future, and what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always struggled with that question, I know what I wanted, I just didn't know how to make it sound so others would understand. I wanted to train horses professionally, at the time just jumpers and hunters. Then after high school, I was opened up to a whole new world, Racing. Oh this really took my interest, and I dove in. I was a quick study, my mind absorbing everything that I could learn. I would listen to every ones ideas and methods and then make my own. Eventually I got my shot to train my own horse, who was also my first home bred. She was and still is very special to me, though not a champion thoroughbred, she still made money and taught me so much about training. I have met so many different kind of people in the racing game, many honest and caring people, and many sneaky and mean people. Working in that field really teaches you a lot about people as well as horses. I do still dream about a lot of things, and I still dream about what I want to do, not so much when I grow up, but what I can do to just live a happy life and be secure.