“The world is full of women blindsided by the unceasing demands of motherhood, still flabbergasted by how a job can be terrific and torturous.”

Well, it was a rough night. The baby was up at 10,11,12,1 and then didn't settle back down till 2, so I believe I got about 2 hours of sleep because he woke at 4:30 ready to get up. I'm sure he is just sooo uncomfortable because he has a cold, even though as of yesterday the cold was getting better. This is the one part of parenting that I honestly hate, lack of sleep. When I don't get enough sleep, I am beyond crabby, I get depressed and angry. I start to hate things I shouldn't, I lose my temper to easily, and am just a bitch. My baby means the world to me, but sometimes I wonder if we should of had him. Money is tight, and our life is not stable now or when we decided to get pregnant. I used to think that with my first boy over 10 years ago, I had many regrets during that period of my life. Don't get me wrong I love my boys with all my heart and would never trade or give them away. But I can't control my inner feelings of hopelessness and disheartenment. At times my feelings are totally out of control, and I get into a funk. Eventually I will come out of the deep narcissistic and pessimistic hole I fell into, but the climb back out is a herculean task that leaves me tired and manic at the same time. Maybe I have something wrong with me. Sometime I have thoughts that scare me, even though I would never act on them, they still frighten me. I am not ready to share those bloodcurdling thoughts right now.

I am really enjoying my new craft of glass etching. Yesterday I made my first stencil in which I cut out by hand, very challenging for me, but very therapeutic also. If I could just sell my etchings and some photo prints, I might be able to bring in some extra income. My goal is to have a nice stock of items by April in which I will sell at the hunt races here on the farm. Silly goal I know, but come spring I plan on attending flea markets and horses shows in the area, hopefully I can find a good market for my "Art", never thought in a million years that I would be starting a business in "Art" :-) funny...