You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven

Well for the last week, getting out of bed has been the highlight of my life. I absolutly love being back at work. I love the fact that I am getting my exercise and starting to feel good again, like I am worthy again. Now if my husband could just find a job, all would be great. He doesn't seem to be bitching anymore about me going back to work, as he knows that by now we would be running out of food and starting to get depressed. I think deep down, he likes the fact that the baby always wants him, which is fine with me. Every boy needs his daddy, he will go through his fazes but mommy will always be here waiting for him. The baby is so much luckier than his big brother. He was born out of love and was eagerly planned for. Where as my eldest was a surprise and a big one at that. His bio-father was a cheap, abusive, lazy man who was only out for number 1. I remember one time he stopped by to give me money for the child, then the next day my mother found him searching the bedroom for the money he had given me, good thing I had already moved it. What a prick. But all that is over, and legally my eldest son is my husbands son, which makes things easier and better on my eldest. Well I have gotten way off topic and need to run off to work now, maybe another day I will plan my entry a little better.

Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it. ~David Star Jordan

Things are looking a little brighter. On Monday I got a job, its not glamorous, but its something. I went back to doing what I know, and discovered that I truly miss all the hard work. Horses are my therapy, they keep me sane and they keep me calm. The last couple days have been wonderful. My husband was NOT very happy that I went back to work, and I understand that, but things need to get done and I was offered a job which I took immediately. The pay isn't great but its something for the few hours a day that I work, but best of all, I get paid to exercise. I can't think of a better way to help get this dam baby fat off, I think I walk about 4-5 miles a day and boy am I sore. Its hard to believe that I lost so much tone and fitness in a year, I am ashamed of my appearance right now, but I should be able to drop the weight quickly now. At least now we will have a small check coming in every week, so now my hubby just has to get a job and all should be good. This time when we start making good money, a large chunk will be put away as our savings is completely gone. But all in all things are finally looking slightly better.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. ~Mark Twain, 1894

I don't know whats wrong with me, I am just so blue all the time now. The money is gone, and we have nothing coming in. As of right now there is no really future for my family. I don't like this, I have always been a hard working person who put my children and my animals need before my own, and it all worked out. But now, there is no work, I can't find a job and I am scared. I'm scared that we wont have groceries next week, or diapers and the baby is really outgrowing his clothes. There is no money. We are going to have to start paying rent on our little house really soon, my husband job is over the end of the month, and he, as of right now is owed 3 weeks back pay. I'm stressed and tired, I need to get a job, NOW. I understand that my husband doesn't want me to work, but we both need to work and get out of this funk. If we both bust our asses for a few years we could get our own farm and things would be more stable.

Life used to be so simple. I would get up early and go to work, every Saturday I would get a paycheck and go to the grocery store. We used to make so much money, and now we regret not saving enough. How could I let this happen. I feel like a failure, I feel angry all the time, I lose my temper and get agitated really easily. I don't like being home, all I want to do is crawl under a rock and hide, I am sad. I feel like a bad mother and wife, I feel like I cant provide, and worst of all I feel ashamed that I feel this way, I am sad.

We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there. ~Charles F. Kettering

I briefly tried to explain to my husband last night, What I want in our future. It didn't go according to plan, he seems to not want the same things I do, and if he does, he doesn't think he needs to work to get them. He had such a dumb and spaced out look on his face when I told him that I think we both need to go back to work and bust out asses for a couple years to be able to save some money and buy our own land. I guess he likes the idea of our own land, but I get the feeling that he is not willing to work for it. I think over the last couple years that he has gotten lazy. How do I tell him that I am NOT going to live the rest of my life, and raise our children in shit hole after shit hole houses. I am not a materialistic woman but I do require a safe roof over our heads and money in the bank to buy food. I am all for living off the land and living simply, but there is a big difference between living off OUR land and living off someone Else's land. We have put ourselves in a bad spot here, and I don't know what to do other than work. So dammit I am going to work, I can't just sit here and do nothing, I have never had aspirations to be a housewife and stay at home mom, its not for me, I need to work. I don't want to be rich, and I don't need to have a huge showplace farm, but I need security....

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

That is probably the wisest thing I have heard in a while. Looks like this family might be swinging on that little knot for a while, hope I can tie it tight enough to hold this household. I have been giving our situation a lot of thought the last couple days. If all goes to plan, we should be able to stay here on the farm in exchange of taking care of the last couple horses etc. If that is the case I am starting to think that both my husband and I need to go to work. I think we need to bust our asses for a couple years, and take total advantage of the free house, to save every penny. If we work hard and put away almost everything, in a couple years we could buy a chunk of land and then be able to go back to living the way we like to live. Simply and happy. But if we don't do this then we will be living day to day for the rest of our lives, and we have 2 boys to think about. I want both to go to college and be successful someday. I know that my husbands biggest thing is that he doesn't want daycare raising our baby, but his future is important. We need to be able to get a setup in place for the family and our dream is to be homesteaders, well you need land to do that, so that's why I think this is a good idea. I will broach the subject in the next couple days, hopefully he will agree, its time to look in the future now, for our family's future.

I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown

Well there is a possibility that we may be able to stay here as caretakers, after most of the horses are gone. Right now, that would be wonderful. I would love to have a steady place to live in exchange for a little care of a couple horses and the grass etc. Not to mention that if this works out, I might be able to open a boarding stable after the old man dies. But that is far enough in the future that I need not to worry about it. The only thing important now is the present, and since we haven't been able to find work or a place to live else where, this is where we need to stay. Hopefully we can move up to the other house, which would be much easier to care for the animals, and a bigger house :-). I don't know what will happen to us if this doesn't work out. Things are still so much up in the air that I worry about it alot. I love this farm, I don't know why, but I want to stay. Its a shit hole, while it used to be such a beautiful place it was let to fall apart and now its a mess. But I still don't want to leave, its peaceful and a perfect set up for the family.

"Poverty makes you sad as well as wise.” Bertolt Brecht

Things are getting bad. Yesterday we went to a food bank, which was pretty embarrassing. But I guess we gotta do what we gotta do. My husband is working on getting food stamps, he has to go for an interview or something. Not quite sure what that is all about. I have been looking and looking for jobs. Nobody is hiring, and the only jobs I can find with a house are pretty far away. We have applied for about 3 , one place the house is too small and to the best of my knowledge the other 2 places haven't replied. I don't get it, people should be beating down our door for our services. But I guess the economy has got everyone a little loopy. There is this one job opening in Indiana that i would of loved to got. I had a big enough house and all the farm work I could do by myself. That what I really want, it to go back to work, to feel like I am my own person again. I wish someone at the track was hiring, I could go back there, yes the hours are long and yes its hard work, but the money is good. I just don't know what to do. Things here are not good, the old man is totally loosing it. He is believed to have Sundowners, granted I haven't seen him in quite a while, but when someone doesn't know what the day is or what happened yesterday, something is really wrong. Its a shame, this farm used to be gorgeous, the horses used to be fast, and the money used to come in. Now the barns and fences are falling down, as well as the trees. The horses are slow and over half are club footed now. His breeding practices of the last 10 years are sooo screwed up and the poor genetics are finally deforming the horses. Its a shame, its not the horses fault but yet, they are the ones that suffer. I don't know when why he started breeding this way, doesn't he realise that all his good horses where by good stallions, not these budget crap stallions that he has been picking for the last decade. I love breeding horses, but I don't just breed a mare to a stallion, I spend sometimes months deciding what stallion to breed to what mare to get the best possible runner. There is a science to it, there are dominate and recessive genes to consider. There are just so many variables in breeding, and so much risk.

"Meditate on that Lord, O Saints; He shall rescue and save you.” Sri Guru Granth Sahib

Well as expected I had the big blow up on Sunday. I just couldn't take it anymore and told him so. I told him that I just can't do everything, and that he has a way to just make more work for me, and I don't think its cute to leave trash around etc. He just said OK and the last 2 days have been heaven. He has been doing more for himself. Don't get me wrong, I like doing some stuff for my family, but when it comes to serving them, uh NO. And never just expect me to clean up after you or expect me to make dinner every night let alone breakfast and lunch. Its just not who I am. I am dying to go back to work.

A good friend went up to PA to save my home bred filly, I am so relieved, it was really stressing me out. She is now at the local farm where she was born, and best of all safe. Poor girl had one hoof in the door, headed towards a sale that is notoriously a killer sale. But all that is in the past and she is safe now. I'm not a fan of slaughter but its grim necessity. If they would just to it humanely, but they don't and the horses don't always die immediately, therefore they are still alive when hung by a back leg and bled out. Its horrible, probably the most horrible thing I have ever seen. But I wouldn't have such a problem with it if it was just humane. I would love to have the funds and land to run a rescue, its what I really love to do, but that it very expensive and will probably never happen. But I am glad my filly now has a home, I do believe she will be bred in the spring to a nice Oldenburg colt. She will make fabulous babies.

“Offer the lazy an egg, and they'll want you to peel it for them” Lithuanian Proverb

That quote just sums up my husband, I love him dearly but shit, get off your ass and do something. I really do understand being tired after work, but you have to DO SOMETHING at work to get tired. I guess what I am tired of is being a god dam slave. I do all the cooking, 3 meals a day sometimes. All the cleaning and laundry. And all the baby care. I bathe, feed, change, clean, play, and deal with him at nights, so well everything for the baby I need a break, and I'm not just talking a trip to the store to refresh, I need at least a day...alone...with out kids or a husband. It is getting to the point that I am going a little insane, and getting depressed again. Money is tight and we are looking for a new place to live as well as I am looking forward to going back to work. He needs to find a new job as well. He thinks his little refusals to do things is cute but when I bite back he gets an attitude, like I never do anything. He doesn't realise that I don't just sit on my ass and watch TV all day. I bake bread, and make baby food, freeze our harvest and prepare dinner. I am so tired of everything. Sometimes when I am able to go somewhere alone, I feel like I just want to run away, drive off and never comeback. But then I realize that I cant do that. I just keep thinking that things will go back to the way they were when I worked. He helped out more, maybe its to late for him to revert back to the helpful man I married. I guess I wont know till I do go back to work, but things just cant continue like this, its driving me nuts and making me so frustrated. I don't know if he thinks its cute to act lazy or if he has just gotten so spoiled to me being home. But the shit has got to stop. I'm done, I cant take anymore, I am not a slave, or a maid. Just help out, just pick up after yourself. No its not cute to leave trash on top or next to the trash can. No its not cute having our son get you every glass of lemonade or bus the table after dinner. He is not your servant either. All I can say is get off your ass and stop being SO lazy, we are not here to serve you...

"The fool wanders, a wise man travels.” Thomas Fuller

Well here I am again with writers block. So I shall add on to my bucket list

• Take a 1 year cruise around the world, and see all the strange places




• Go see The inca city of Machu Picchu




• Visit The Tadj Mahall




• Go see The Halong bay in Vietnam




• Stay in a hut on The Galapagos Islands




• Float down Venice's canals




• Basically I want to travel and the whole world




• Become a well know photographer, need a better camera :-)




• Have our own homestead and live completely off the grid




• Breed a derby prospect

"Under exciting circumstances, wealth cannot be enjoyed without dishonor, or foregone without misery.” George Shaw

Cant I get a break...my husband finally got my car running a couple weeks ago, after it had sat for a year. I was getting excited but couldn't drive it until the brakes were done. Yesterday the brakes got done and he was going to take it for a test drive and after he started it, it died. Now it turns over but wont start. What the fuck. Its like every time I get a little excited about something I get a big kick in the face.

Both of us applied to a job in Indiana, and its our luck that we wont even be considered. I am so sick and tired of being here, I need a change, wither its my car running, or us moving. Something has got to give, someone cut us a break, give us some slack, whatever...just stop shitting on us. Life is hard enough when things go right, but like this...its imposable. I am only asking for a little help or luck.

"We are limited, not by our abilities, but by our vision.”

Took a day off from the blog, for reasons none other than writers block. Honestly I still don't have anything to vent, so I guess I could daydream a bit. My boys are wonderful, a handful, but wonderful. The baby is almost 9 months old and is just now starting to sleep through the night. 2 nights and counting. What usually happens is that he will sleep great for 2 or 3 nights and then start cutting another tooth. He is finally getting over that pesky cold and I know he has got to be feeling better now. The eldest is 10 almost 11 and in the fifth grade, he is growing up so fast, I can't believe that he will be in middle school next year. He is going through his being stupid faze, and I do hope he out grows it real soon. I know he really isn't dumb but I really wish he would stop acting like he is. This year has been academically challenging for him. This is the first year he has really had to work hard to maintain A's and B's. Math used to be his best class and now he struggles, same with science, how to you fail and open book test ah DUH. If he was a teenager I would swear up and down that he was on drugs. I really hope he outgrows this stage of childhood really quick, its annoying.

Found a job opportunity in Indiana that I am thinking about applying for. Its a long way away but the set up is super nice. I honestly don't mind moving, I would actually look forward to it at this stage in my life. Something has got to change. Things are tough right now, but they are bound to get better soon. Its looking like we are going to have to move sometime soon. The boss is out of money and could croak at anytime, and his son will just get rid of the horses when the time comes. Every week there is a struggle to find out where the paychecks are coming from. Just tired of it all.

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” Paul Boese

I have done somethings in my past that are really not right. Though out of all the things I have done, I have never been cheater. Nobody knows that I had a relationship with one of my bosses, just him and I. We got along great, and he wasn't married yet. We had our fun that lasted the winter , nobody was none the wiser. We would go golfing, and just go for drives. But come April, it was time to go back home and resume my life with my son. My boss and his girlfriend got married, and things went back to normal. What was weird is I had no trouble returning to the boss - employee relationship, but he struggled for a bit. We always worked well together, and made a great team.

I dated the same guy all through high school. I thought we would eventually get married but things got rough at one point and I moved back home to my mothers. Then I met someone who would change my life forever, my eldest son's biological father. I guess you could say he used to be a sweet man that swept me off my feet, shame I didn't know how he really was... Any way I ended up breaking up with my longtime boyfriend, who refused to grow up anyhow. Gosh I really loved that man, 5 years is an eternity to be with someone when your a teenager. I had been dating this guy since I was 13 or so. As history went, I got pregnant, totally unplanned. Up until then, I was told by friends that my ex didn't date until he heard that I was preggers. Shortly after the news he found someone and got married. He lived down south for many years but has just moved back up here. He is still married and now has his first baby on the way. In a way I am happy that he finally grew up and is having a family. All was fine until I saw a picture of him and his wife, the feelings I had at that moment, kinda scared me. Its like nervousness and my heart skipped a beat, how could I still be in love with a man I haven't seen or talked to in over 10 years. In any case, I am happily married with two boys and a wonderful husband, and that will never change. I need to stomp out these feelings, and get them in control, because one day I am sure I will bump into him, we only live a couple miles away. It was just odd the way that photo made me feel. I think I will just leave it like that.........

"May the dreams of your past be the reality of your future”

There are a lot of dreams in my past, I guess in some light they have become reality. I dreamed to be a horse trainer and I did, not licenced, but I was a trainer LOL. I still have dreams. I hate to wish for money, but in reality money really helps to achieve what you want. It doesn't make the world go round but it does really help. To have the financial security to be able to live out my dreams would be awesome. When I was in my early teens, I used to want to be in the Olympics, I would still love to live that but over the years I have lost my nerve to ride. Especially now that I am over weight, I find that my balance is off and I don't feel "As One" with the horse. It is heart breaking, the one thing in life that I loved more than anything, I just cant seem to do anymore. I really miss riding off, and daydreaming through the woods, it was always my release, my escape from reality. I could ride off mad or sad and after an hour or so come back totally happy and refreshed. Horses are like therapy for me, whether I need a shrink or just a friend they were always there. Maybe one day I will find that feeling again. Until then, what do I do?

“Life is one of those precious fleeting gifts, and everything can change in a heartbeat.”

Things are really changing around this farm. The bucket is totally dry and our time left here is short lived. We never thought that the end would come, but even the rich run out of money when they make bad investments and their business doesn't show income. To be honest, this farm hasn't paid for itself in over 10 years. The owner has done so much wrong in running this farm but its not like I can reverse the damage, so there is no need to point out his mistakes.

The time has come for us to find a new place to be, new place to live and new jobs. We sent off two resumes yesterday and hopefully something becomes of one of them. We are in a unique predicament, a house really needs to be included with our salary. Not to mention our animals, right now its 2 horses, 1 really big dog, and 2 cats. So really a similar situation to what we had here would be the best for us. I have been saying that it is time for me to go back to work, now it is time. Hopefully with all that has transpired that my car will be finished this weekend and I will be mobile again, and hopefully one of those jobs we applied for will work out. In the past I have not liked change, but I do believe that it is time for a change in our lives right now, time to move, a change of scenery and a different place. It will be one more step towards our future...

“Death comes to all. But great achievements build a monument.”

I haven't added to my list in a couple days so here we go

• Help out in a soup kitchen


• Attend an Olympics


• Ride Mules down into the Grand Canyon


• Learn to scuba dive


• Scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef


• Go to Las Vegas

Just a couple things, at this rate I better get going with my list, there are so many things I want to do, and places I want go.

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” Fulton Oursler

Isn't that the truth. One of my major dreams in life I am terrified to do, and have totally regreted not pushing forth to capture it. I have always wanted to be a horse trainer, when I was younger I wanted to train show jumpers, but then as a teenager I learned more about the racing world and was totally hooked. I really don't know why I could never get up the nerve to take the trainers test, I have successfully trained (under the radar) many winning horses. I have rehabed tons of old sore horses and got them back to winning form. Everyone on the backside knows what I can do, and I have earned some respect, but hesitation is still there. At this point I have been away from the track for a year and am even more stand offish about going back. I truly love racing and really need to get back there, but one problem is that nobody is hiring. This recession has got everyone cutting back, the purses are low and owners aren't sending out as many horses to train, at this point they are not even breeding their mares. The industry in Maryland is dying and dying quick. Even though we finally got slots, its too late, and things wont recover for several years. Just not sure what to do...I want to move....

I have given it some thought and would love to move to New Mexico or Arizona, maybe Nevada. But then again Washington and Oregon are nice also. Basically I kinda just want to get out of Maryland, there is really nothing here for me to do. My family is here, but I really only see them once a month at the most anyway. I guess we need to give it some more thought and if we find a good job out there, we will probably move.

"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." ` Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wasn't checking up on him, I swear, but I ran across my hubby's log of web pages visited on Monday night. He went to about 20 adult sites. That honestly really hurts my feelings, I feel cheated on. It didn't used to bother me till the baby was born. Ever since, I have been totally unhappy with my own body, and just so not feeling sexual. So really we haven't had much of a sex life in about 9 months, and I do feel guilty for that. But when you add a new baby, lack of sleep, no personal time, low self esteem, and just feeling depressed all together you usually get NO SEX. We usually only get Sunday mornings together, but for the last couple weeks either the baby was fussy or big brother was grounded, and last week hubby was sick. The porn sites didn't used to bother me when I was thin and fit and felt good about myself, I was confident in myself. Well everything changed with this last pregnancy. I gained way to much weight and am now having a hard time getting it off. Its just killing me...he tells me over and over again that I look fine and that he loves me no matter what but that's not what I want to hear. I want the personal time to be able to go and exercise, to go ride or walk or something, something to get me out of the house alone and be a individual again. He just doesn't get it, just because I am a mother doesn't mean that I must stay with my kids at ALL TIMES. I need a break, from everyone, to find myself again and learn once more to be happy with myself. I'm not talking running away, just some time set aside every week or so where I can take off and be totally alone, or even go hangout with friends. How I would love to just be me one day a week, not mom or wife, just me...

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” Eleanor Roosevelt

There is abundant beauty in this world, its everywhere your look. It in the trees when their leaves change color, and its in the buildings when shadows hit them just right. Everything in nature is beautiful, from the trickling stream to a vast ocean of turbulent waves. All wildlife is magnificent, deer grazing in the meadows, owls perching in the trees, and wolves stalking their next meal. Everything has its place, that balances out this world. I have been taking and interest in photography lately and have found it very therapeutic. It seems to calm me down and teaches me to see things differently. I cant wait till I am able to get a better camera, it will open up a whole new world of photography. My camera does the job but its zoom it horrible and its really outdated.

It looks like my home bred filly who I sold at the beginning of the year, is being sold. The girl who has her has not returned my emails. I find it very upsetting, it gives me the feeling that she is hiding something. I just don't want this filly to end up in a bad place or on a truck to a Mexican slaughter house. Those places are a horrible end, and she is young and sound. I wish I just had the money to buy her back and this wouldn't be a problem. The girl that has her is a young jockey so hopefully she is a horse lover and not just going to get a quick buck for the filly. But I will never know unless she stops being stupid and returns my emails.

"To me, horses and freedom are synonymous." ~Veryl Goodnight

All through my awkward teen years, I was lucky enough to have a stable man in my life, my beautiful horse. He was there for me when I got depressed, or when I had great news to share. He was also there when I found out I was pregnant, as well as through the pregnancy. He was the reason I got up in the morning. I remember carrying heavy water buckets down to his field while in labor. There was more than once that I cried on his shoulder. We competed we trail rode, and we defied gravity. The fun we had can never be repeated, nor have I ever found one to replace him. Our bond was strong and eerie like, he would know what I wanted before I told him. He would be peppy if I was happy and quiet if I was sad, he was better than a therapist. He would quietly listen to everything I had to say and never talk back or tell me what to do. We were an pair for almost 10 years. We took a trip to Florida for the winter, and it made me realise that he has aged and for the first time in years he wasn't stiff. The warm air made his arthritis disappear. He was acting like a frisky colt again and we played hard that winter. Eventually it was time to leave and head back up north. I couldn't put him back on a trailer for a long trip again, the trip down was very hard on him. So I found a lovely little girl that would love him like I did, and I passed the perfect horse to the next little girl who needed a best friend. I still think about him quite often and miss him terribly. Last I heard he was still alive at around 30 years of age.

"Even if things don't unfold the way you expected, don't be disheartened or give up. One who continues to advance will win in the end."

Thing always unfold the way I don't expect. I have come to accept it as normal for me. I have also realised that my husband is right...I am a very negative person at times. Its not that I mean to be, I really don't, its just that I am used to disappointment and just know its coming. Nothing in my life has worked out the way I planned. Sometimes I just feel as though I work towards something but just never get there. So in turn I have for the most part I have stopped working towards my dreams. For example, I always wanted to be a trainer and I'm great at it, but I just cant get up the guts to go and take my trainers test. I have serious issues with failure. After failing my drivers test the first time, it took me another 5 months to get up the courage to go take it again. Its been this way for as long as I can remember. Honestly I have no idea why I am like this, its not like I always fail, I do succeed sometimes.

Things are going pretty well right this second. My hubby and I haven't gotten into a fight in almost a week, I don't know why we have been arguing so much lately. I am sure its that he doesn't want me to leave the house and be me again. I do still feel as though he is trying to keep me here at home, he says its because I do such a good job with the house and baby, but I have a feeling that, that is not why. I know he doesn't like housework and lately has gotten VERY lazy, in all honesty I am tired of cleaning and picking up after people, I am tired of changing diapers. I am tired and I need a break. As soon as my brakes get done I am going to take off for a day and leave him with the boys. I know that will be a huge fight but I need to finally do something for me. He just doesn't understand, this is exactly how I felt after my first born was about 6 months old. I got depressed to the point of running away. I do feel myself getting depressed and have been trying to fight it for months but I don't know how much longer I can fight it off. If I can get away for a hour or so a week, I am able to get my attitude up a bit, and that will last for a couple days. Its just so tiring, and monotonous, something needs to give. He needs to help more or at least not make more work for me. I hate housework when it can be prevented but just picking up after yourself. You know, the trash goes in the trashcan, the dishes in the sink, and the dirty clothes in the hamper. I don't ask much, just the simple things that you should of been taught as a child. I do have to say though, that at least he puts the toilet seat down, as does my son. Well I guess that is enough bitching for the day...

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

This quote should be written on my first born's forehead. It is his personal aphorism. He is forever talking and getting in trouble. Its not so much all the talking , its the talking for no reason and with no thought behind it. If my husband and I could just get him to think before speaking he would be a wonderful leader for his peers. I could really envision him in politics or as a lawyer, he could really be something. My first born is also going through a lazy faze that is causing him to not excel in school. He brought home a progress report that was not acceptable. I asked him a question..."How do you get a "D" on an open book test?" he replied that he didn't use his book, sometimes I just wonder... I swear the boy has no common sense, to the extreme that I worry about him. How am I supposed to keep him on the right path in school, keep his grades A's and B's, and steer him toward college? I want so much more for him than this. I don't want him to struggle, I want him to live the American dream to the fullest. Lets just hope that this stage is just a phase and he will outgrow it. I am sure that the baby will give us a challenge of his own at some point down the line...isn't that what parenting is about?

"If you shoot for the stars and hit the moon, it's OK. But you've got to shoot for something. A lot of people don't even shoot.” Confucius

Life seems to be good so far today, and taking it day by day is vital for me to stay going forward. Sleep was much more unobstructed last night and a straight 7 hours was heaven. Its amazing how more quality sleep totally improves my attitude toward life. I have always been a person that values sleep and dreams.

My website is looking good, and have decided to add some unique clip art to it also. I just hope that I can get enough traffic and enough sales to help my business take off. Right now I am stuck with the glass etching as I am almost out of some supplies, but the last piece I made I am utterly proud of. Cutting of the stencil was tough and I need to invest in a stencil cutter so I Can make more elaborate designs. I do see this business doing well if I could get enough sale stock together, and go to craft shows and such.

There is so much I want to do in my life, its overwhelming to think of how I might be able to get it all done. Its not like I am dying or anything, but no one ever knows when the end is near. I have always wanted to travel to far away countries, and to visit the wonders of the world. I have thought of starting a bucket list, even though my life should be long, there are so many things I want to do, and of course writing them down would ensure that I might have something to look forward to...

I will start my list today and add one thing everyday:

• See the Great Wall of China



• Go skydiving



• Go to an opera



• Visit the Berlin Wall



• Ride across the country on horseback

Its not much but its a start.

“The world is full of women blindsided by the unceasing demands of motherhood, still flabbergasted by how a job can be terrific and torturous.”

Well, it was a rough night. The baby was up at 10,11,12,1 and then didn't settle back down till 2, so I believe I got about 2 hours of sleep because he woke at 4:30 ready to get up. I'm sure he is just sooo uncomfortable because he has a cold, even though as of yesterday the cold was getting better. This is the one part of parenting that I honestly hate, lack of sleep. When I don't get enough sleep, I am beyond crabby, I get depressed and angry. I start to hate things I shouldn't, I lose my temper to easily, and am just a bitch. My baby means the world to me, but sometimes I wonder if we should of had him. Money is tight, and our life is not stable now or when we decided to get pregnant. I used to think that with my first boy over 10 years ago, I had many regrets during that period of my life. Don't get me wrong I love my boys with all my heart and would never trade or give them away. But I can't control my inner feelings of hopelessness and disheartenment. At times my feelings are totally out of control, and I get into a funk. Eventually I will come out of the deep narcissistic and pessimistic hole I fell into, but the climb back out is a herculean task that leaves me tired and manic at the same time. Maybe I have something wrong with me. Sometime I have thoughts that scare me, even though I would never act on them, they still frighten me. I am not ready to share those bloodcurdling thoughts right now.

I am really enjoying my new craft of glass etching. Yesterday I made my first stencil in which I cut out by hand, very challenging for me, but very therapeutic also. If I could just sell my etchings and some photo prints, I might be able to bring in some extra income. My goal is to have a nice stock of items by April in which I will sell at the hunt races here on the farm. Silly goal I know, but come spring I plan on attending flea markets and horses shows in the area, hopefully I can find a good market for my "Art", never thought in a million years that I would be starting a business in "Art" :-) funny...

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicur

I have been using this blog to vent and help control my anger and depression, but I also really need to express my happiness. My hubby and I have been the best of friends since before I got pregnant with my eldest, as a matter of fact, he is the first one I told that I was pregnant, where as my boyfriend at the time was such an ass. He was so supportive of me, of any decision that I made. Shortly after that time, he left to get married. We kept contact through e-mail and such, and he was gone for about a year. When he did come back, he told me that his marriage was over and he had made a mistake. As a result we started dating. We had such a passionate start in our relationship, all the chills and butterflies. Even though we did take a break one winter for numerous reasons, things worked out and here we are today, over 10 years later, happy and with a nice little family.

“Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time.” Thomas Merton

I love basing my blog on a daily quote, it seems to help me with a topic to think over and then write about. Lately I have been getting into photography and then there is the glass etching. I was never really an artistic child and only enjoyed ceramics, even then I really wasn't that good, nothing spectacular. But I love art, I love to look at it and ponder its meaning, and what would be better than being able to make a living on it. I'm not sure if it will work but I am starting to offer my photographs and etchings for sale online, just need to make sure they sell LOL.

If I could just acquire a stencil machine my etching designs would be endless, I have so many ideas and would love to be able to get them down on glass and start selling. I was figuring that I could go to the horse shows in this area and of course the hunt race right here at home, to sell my wares. I hate to admit that I am getting a little excited about the whole thing, even though its uncertain. Right now my depression seems to be disappearing, but I know from experience that it can return quickly and without warning at anytime. I have also learned that if I have a goal to aim for, that my depression will take a back seat to my goals, which is good considering I don't go to therapy or anything. I love being happy and would love to have a totally happy home life and family.

“Men argue, nature acts” Voltaire

Well, my needing time to myself and wanting to do the grocery shopping alone DID turn into a argument. He went on and on about how he never gets time alone either, which is not true. He goes to the library a couple times a week, and he goes hunting, you cant get anymore alone than that. But I went anyway and enjoyed myself, took my time shopping and it was so much less stressful. He did sulk for a bit after I got back, but seemed to get over it quickly, and went out to work on my car.

I have been telling him for months to make sure that , that wire he replaced is correctly fixed etc, and he always would say yes. Well after pulling 2 starters out and replacing the battery again, he noticed that the wire was loose and not making a connection. And well to make a long story short, as soon as he tightened it, my car fired right up and ran. So yeah my car runs, but I still can drive it until it can stop also. I need my brakes done and then I am free to cruise in my fast blue car. I am so excited, I love my car and the freedom that comes with it. In any case after the wire was tightened all was forgiven and our day continued without a hitch.

We have be arguing more lately, I don't know if its the money issues or just because I am so unhappy right now. I really don't like to fight with him, but sometimes I just feel that he is always challenging me and therefore I feel the need to protect myself. It could have alot to do with the serious money problems we are having. Yes things have been really tight since I stopped working, but lately the stability of his paychecks every week has been an issue, and the last two weeks there were no paychecks. Its times like these that I am glad that I hoard food, I pack it away like a squirrel getting ready for winter. Every time there is a good sale, I take advantage wither we need the canned food or not. I do believe that it is a flashback from my young adulthood when I lived a whole year on ramen noodles and mac and cheese. I didn't mind much but now I have kids who need to come first and get adequate nutrition. We have been talking about going on food stamps, it might be a good idea, though I am still torn over it. Hopefully thing will get better soon, but in any case our lives here on the farm is very soon to change, and we must get ready for it.

"It is not true that life is one damn thing after another. It is the same damn thing over and over." - Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950) American Po

Very true quote, Life is the same damn thing over and over. My issues just keep coming back and repeating themselves. My hubby treats me as a maid at times, I really don't know if it is intentional or if he thinks its cute, but I am soooo done with it. For example I will sit down after making lunch for the baby and us, to have lunch and as soon as my butt hits the chair, he wants a drink, come on get off your ass and get it yourself. Just because I am home all day doesn't mean that I don't do anything. Everyday I get as much done as I can, depending on how the baby is, he is going through a clingy phase right now, which makes it difficult to do certain things. Last week I baked 5 loaves of bread, 2 white and 3 cinnamon raisin, did laundry, picked veggies, housework, preserved veggies, made baby food, made homemade yogurt (probably 3 jars) and I know I am leaving some stuff out. Not to mention that I did all of this with a infant in-tow. I am tired and need a break, but the best I can get is maybe a trip to the store, and going totally alone is damn near impossible. I think I will try to go to the grocery store alone today, I wonder how big of a fight that will turn in to. Just hoping football is on, and maybe it wont be such a big deal.

It my goal to keep this blog as anonymous as possible, even though I am sure if my hubby reads it, he will know its mine or at least think its weird that this woman is just like his wife LOL. Its not that I am ashamed of anything, but my identity is unimportant, its my trials of life, marriage, and family that are. This blog is to act sort of like a therapist for me, and so far talking, well writing, is greatly helping. Now if I could just change my life a bit, I will be the happy person I used to be.

Sometimes I feel as if the old me has dropped off the end of the earth, she is gone and left me with what I have now, a broken shell of the woman I used to be. Its not as if I used to be a powerful woman but I was confident and sure of what I was doing. But now I feel defeated, nothing like I used to be. I have no identity now except wife and mother. I need to get myself back together and stop feeling this way.

Well step one in my car project has been completed, the starter. And it still wont start, we even put a new battery in it. Figures, I get excited, my car working means my Independence, and it doesn't work. The car need to run before the brakes get done. And I can't drive it until the brakes are done. My car is the main reason why I feel trapped. Honestly, deep down I feel as if he has kept my car unusable on purpose, so I would be stuck at home, and not go back to work. I really hate to think that is true, but what else am I supposed to think when the only time I can get him to work on it is when I start a fight. Which leads me back to my opening quote:

"It is not true that life is one damn thing after another. It is the same damn thing over and over." - Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950) American Poet

"Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers." Isaac Asimov

That is exactly what this blog is for, so I can write down what I am feeling and what I am thinking about. This blog is not for the entertainment of others, so if you have stumbled across it and are reading it, but don't like it...then leave. :-) Its not for you its for me.

In any case, I really can't think of much to write so far today. The baby slept pretty well last night, so I am feeling refreshed and well rested. Though the day, Saturday, has yet to begin and the weekends are usually pretty stressful for me. The eldest is home and can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes. Sundays rank right up there also as everyone is home and I get overwhelmed, especially when it is assumed that I will make everyone breakfast, lunch, and dinner, just like a short order cook. One would think that Sunday would be a good day to escape and be alone for a while, but it just doesn't seem to work that way. I would love to just take off on Sunday for a day of peace and ME time, and maybe when my car is running again I can do that.

I placed a couple wanted ads for sandblasting equipment, hopefully I can get started with this business idea and make some much needed money. Gotta do something, the hubby didn't get paid again this week and we are about to start losing things, I think satellite will be cut off first.

Knowing that to give up is to be defeated by oneself, continue single-mindedly to take small but significant steps in the shaping of your destiny.

I refuse to give up, I want so many things in life. I want to be a successful racehorse trainer, breeder and owner. I also want to have a happy well balanced home life, where we all work together and get along. I want my sons to grow up healthy and brilliant, with every door open to them. They should have the ability to be what ever they want to be, wither it is a doctor, lawyer or President. My eldest would do extremely well as either a lawyer or in politics, he loves to argue and talk. The baby, its hard to say, he personality is just starting to emerge. He is so loving and like his brother, loud. I see him going through college with ease and becoming a specialized surgeon. I bet all parents believe that their children will be very important people, and contributing members of society when they mature. But that is a goal that will require hard work from both the parents and children.

I wish my Mother would of pushed me a bit more to continue my education. I wish we would of had the money that would of made college a bit more realistic. I probably would of gone off to school if I could of lived in the dorms and not of had to worry about working and such, and only had to worry about my classes. Not that I am placing blame on anyone. Even though, I never really thought much about a professional future, only a future with horses. I realize now that having a career with horses, if you are not at the track, can be very difficult to support a family on. In my ventures as an adult, the only corner of the equine word that can and does pay the bills is the racing industry. And I know this well as I had my eldest at 21.

The racing industry is going through a tough time right now. With slots not yet active, the purses are low, which makes owners cut back on horses, which in turn makes trainers cut back on help. That is why I lost my job last year, though if I hadn't been pregnant, I might of at that time found other work. But now, no one is hiring help, I couldn't go back to work there if I wanted to. I do miss it greatly, the sunrises over the training track were breathtaking. The horses galloping out of the fog was just awesome.

I have a great business idea, but no capital to start it. Glass etching has really caught my fancy, its so pretty and unique, and I have discovered that it is not as difficult as it looks. I have checked around and not many people sell this at craft shows and fairs. I do believe that there is a hole in the glass market that would be greatly filled by my glass etching. I have already tried the chemical etching process and was really successful, now I would like to give the sandblasting method a try before I decide if I want to do both or pick one in which to master in. The only catch is that the sandblasting method is a bit pricey. If I could just get this business up and running I think that it will be very successful..

If you become passive, you will find yourself restricted, regardless of how free the environment is in which you live. Conversely, if you maintain a p

I have become passive and am now paying the price. Our marriage is strong but lately we have been fighting about stupid stuff that really doesn't matter. I am sure that most of the issues are because I am miserable, like a caged tiger and ready to pounce, I have lost my free spirit. I need to find it again. Yesterday I was baking bread and realized that I really enjoy baking bread, I love the smell and the taste, and the best part is that my husband really enjoyed eating it. That gave me satisfaction, and made me feel slightly guilty, and I don't know why.

Working has always been a huge part of my life, I love to work, I loved the travel that came with it, and most of all I loved the glory of winning. In a perfect world, I would be at the track by now getting ready to send out my first set to train. I can walk down my shed row of 20 to 50 well bred Thoroughbreds and pick out their next races, watch them get their baths after a gallop. There is so much beauty in the Thoroughbred, they are so elegant and strong, swift and majestic. I have seen thousands but they still take my breath away. There is no feeling better than leading a runner into the winners circle after winning an exciting race, that feeling is threefold if you own or bred that animal. I was totally speechless when I led my Little Bitty into the winners circle many years back. She was my first homebred and was from meager bloodlines but she has such heart and desire, she overcame many obstacles to be able to stand there and get her picture taken to prove that she was the best on that day. There is just something about that little mare, actually there are alot of things about that little mare, more than I can list. I was hoping to be able to replicate her desire and heart in her offspring. She was plagued with fertility problems, out of 4 pregnancies she had 2 miscarriages, one still born and only one live foal. The surviving filly is a beauty but lacks the heart to be a useful racehorse. I sold her earlier this year and she made 3 starts in PA, none were encouraging. She hasn't raced in over a month and I fear that I might have lost track of her. It worries me as the new owner hasn't returned my emails, I don't want anything wicked to happen to her.

"If we could learn to like ourselves, even a little, maybe our cruelties and angers might melt away." John Steinbeck

Maybe that's what my problem is, I don't like myself. Well I know for a fact that I don't really like myself, I am carrying all this extra weight from the pregnancy that I just cant seem to get off. Cant get away to work out much. I hate what I have become, a fat, oppressed wife and mother. I am stuck at home and miserable. Just last night I asked to take the truck after the eldest was dropped off at practice, I just wanted to go to the grocery store, first word out of his mouth were "are you taking the baby" shit I need some time to myself, I will only be gone 30 minutes. My gosh he was really mad. I need to set up a time everyday when I can just be alone. Why doesn't he get it...I need time to myself...totally alone...not even the baby...and sure as hell not him, around.

My husband needs to step up and take a more active role in the baby, that was the deal. I told him, when we were talking about having another child, that I needed his help, I cant do it alone again. He agreed and we became pregnant right away. He was helpful in the first couple weeks while I was healing. But now, he really needs to do more, I am going insane, cant he see that I am struggling with everything. The only time he listens is when it all just becomes to much and I breakdown.

My first born is not biologically his, he was from a previous relationship, and was totally unplanned. That relationship was doomed from the start, he was was abusive and had serious anger issues. He was a totally useless man, a total deadbeat. I would have to say that he is the reason why I have trust issues now. I did finally kick this ass hole out when my eldest was about 7 months old and was able to go back to work. This man taught me how to hate...some of the things he did to me...gosh...I have overcame most of the pain but still have issues from it. I was forced to become a strong woman and with my Mothers help I regained my life and adjusted to being a mother myself. As a matter of fact, if my mother hadn't helped me, I don't know if I would be here now. I love her greatly, even though see took on much of the child rearing for a year or so, I do believe that's what I really needed. I was only 21 when my eldest was born.

My hubby is really a loving person, and I do believe that he doesn't really realise how he is making me feel. He just needs to understand that I am an individual and need a break from everything. I am starting to feel that the only way I can get some peace is to go back to work, I need to feel like I am contributing to the household, I am tired of being a housewife and need to be ME again. It was never my life dream to be a housewife, I like to work. I feel like that the only way he listens to me is when I start a fight and by then I am so angry that I lose it.

My husband has been my friend since before my eldest was born, we worked together, hung out together, we were total opposites. He was a long haired headbanger LOL and I was a young preppy woman, but we got along so well and had so many wonderful talks. It does go to show you that a man and woman can have a completely platonic relationship. At that time in my life we were the best of friends, he was the first one I told I was pregnant, he listened to my concerns and supported what ever decision I made, such a wonderful friend. One day he told me that he met a woman and said he was going to get married, I supported his love at first sight, and wished him luck. Needless to say the marriage lasted 6 months and he was back in Maryland. When he got back and my eldest was about 6 months old, we started actually dating. I was falling in love with my best friend.

This story gets long and if I write it all now I wont have anything for another day, so I will continue it sometime in the future...

We are not only less reasonable and less decent in our dreams... we are also more inteligent, wiser and capable of better judgment when we are asleep

Just found that quote and it seems all so true. My dreams at night are so vivid lately, though some don't make much sense, but very vivid. In my dreams I am always happy and adventurous, and just love life. Last night's dream didn't make much sense, I was back at high school and a wealthy couple adopted me or let me live with them or something. So anyway I moved to this big house and started a private school, in which I didn't really like. Its funny how such a short dream would take such a chunk of sleep LOL.

Mentally...yesterday was a good day, I didn't get overly anxious or upset, and actually got some things done in the house. The vacuuming needed to get done and my eldest helped me blanch, skin, and freeze some of the tomatoes. I love having a garden but putting away food after harvest is so much work, though it gives me this weird feeling of accomplishment. The garden is one more thing that makes me anxious sometimes. I feel as if nobody else helps with the garden, and it is very hard to work out there for any length of time with a baby. So the weeding doesn't get done, and we didn't plant as much this year as last. Though nothing tastes better than homegrown broccoli :-)

I do believe that I am going to go back to work if I can find a job. My husband would like me to stay home with the baby, but we need the money so badly and quite frankly I miss working. I feel so out of touch with the racing industry, like I missed out on so much. With all the cutbacks I am not sure if I could find work there anymore, I might have to get a different kind of job, which is scary. I have always felt comfortable around the horses and love working with them. If you stick me in a different situation, like in an office, I feel so out of place. But I need to suck it up and see if I can find something. The stable that I grew up riding at is hiring, just don't know if I could go back to working around snobby stuck up kids in a snooty riding stable. I want to start my own glass etching business but I don't have the capital to start it up and seem to have a hard time finding a grant for help. A loan is out of the question, I would fear I couldn't pay it back. I think I could be quite good at glass etching and it is interesting to me. Time will tell....

~ A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book ~

It amazes me how the amount of sleep one get is directly related to their mentally for the day, or is it just me. I am very sleep deprived and cranky because of it. I suffer from a short fuse and virtually no patience. But on the occasion when I am well rested, life is much brighter and more fulfilling. For example, last night was rough, the baby woke several times and finally at 4 am he woke wet and unhappy, so when I get done changing his clothes and diaper, of course he is fully awake and ready to start his day ergggg. So here I am at 4:45 am writing on my blog, which I am starting to really enjoy. Anyway I am just hoping that the baby falls back asleep in the swing for a while so I might enjoy some part of this early morning. I have always loved mornings, they are the most beautiful and enjoyable part of the day. Being an early riser has never been a challenge, its the staying up late that I have a problem with LOL.

Improvment

I do believe that most of the anger has dissipated. Yesterday was a very rough day but with a brief break, and believe it or not, writing in this blog, I feel much more in control. That was anger and frustration that I haven't felt in a very long time, such a feeling of needing out and to escape, to run and never look back. Those feelings scare me, I do hope that it isn't a warning sign, I have been through this type of thing before. My feelings and mood where so out of control long ago that I did escape and luckily found myself again, but it took a long time, and I lost precious time with my first born. I missed out on bonding time that I can never get back, even though he doesn't remember my trip or our time apart, I still have a feeling of guilt about it. I keep telling myself that it was what I needed to do, at the time, to fix myself. But the guilt is still there. Granted if I wouldn't of taken that trip, I might not be hear now, trying to fight it off once again. Maybe if I go back to work, or find something I can do alone, this feeling of sadness will go away. I need to find something to make me feel overwhelmingly happy, something for me to do, alone, so I can think and dream.

I used to have great dreams when I was younger, I used to dream about my future, and what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always struggled with that question, I know what I wanted, I just didn't know how to make it sound so others would understand. I wanted to train horses professionally, at the time just jumpers and hunters. Then after high school, I was opened up to a whole new world, Racing. Oh this really took my interest, and I dove in. I was a quick study, my mind absorbing everything that I could learn. I would listen to every ones ideas and methods and then make my own. Eventually I got my shot to train my own horse, who was also my first home bred. She was and still is very special to me, though not a champion thoroughbred, she still made money and taught me so much about training. I have met so many different kind of people in the racing game, many honest and caring people, and many sneaky and mean people. Working in that field really teaches you a lot about people as well as horses. I do still dream about a lot of things, and I still dream about what I want to do, not so much when I grow up, but what I can do to just live a happy life and be secure.

Frustrated

Im usually a happy person, but the last couple weeks have been too much. Im tired, my infant doesn't sleep well. And today I am angry. My car hasn't ran in 6 months, I haven't worked outside the home since July 08 when I got laid off, at the time 4 months pregnant, and in my line of work nobody will hire a pregnant woman no matter how good she is. I feel so trapped and like I am going to explode. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and two boys but I need a break. I have never been a person that wanted to be a stay at home wife, I love to work and earn my own paycheck. Now my husbands job is going downhill as the boss runs out of money. There is no security in my life right now and it is totally draining. I feel more depressed every passing day, with nothing to look forward to. My husband tells me that happiness is a controlled state of mind, well my mind doesn't work that way. Right now I am not very happy. Stability and security is a main priority of mine and always has been. Our savings account is starting to get scary low and with no money coming in, I don't know what we are going to do. I'm scared and there is no relief on the horizon.
I love my sons, 10 years and 8 months. Their smiles are all my joy, but even so I am still sad today. Hopefully things will improve soon.
This blog is for my benefit, in hopes that writing my feelings down will relieve the sadness I feel, and honestly I feel a bit better now than when I started.